How to be Jeremy Clarkson

Left Foot Forward has previously brought you how to write a Richard Littlejohn column and a three step guide to writing a Simon Heffer column. Now, in our ongoing quest to ensure that no-one need read these people ever again, we present number three in an occasional series: How to be Jeremy Clarkson.

1. Present yourself as a humourist.

Adolf-Hitler-Jeremy-Clarkson This is very important. The views you will be stating will largely be indefensible. This is alright if you’re Richard Littlejohn, and content with spending much of your time in a gated community in Florida, but if you want to stay in with the Chipping Norton set, you probably can’t be a pariah.

So, the first thing to do is make sure that you say everything in a silly voice, and only use overblown analogies. Because that’s what being funny is, right? So you can describe submarine warfare (£) as:

You sneak up on an enemy, in big, atomic, softly-softly slippers, flick his ear and then run off and hide.

Or call describe the European Space Agency’s space freighter (£) as:

like a wheelie bin that’s got tangled up in a teenager’s crusty bed sheet.

All harmless fun. Not actually particularly compelling reading, but it’s good enough too keep up appearances. It’s just a joke!

2. Slip in some prejudice.

Not a huge amount – you don’t want anyone to get really angry at this point, but you need to prime your audience with the idea that “he says what we’re all thinking” (for certain values of “we”). So when imagining a conversation with the Indian government (£), begin with:

Right, so you walk into a meeting with Mr Patel…

Describe the Greek bailout as the EU governments (£):

having to give all their spare cash to Stavros.

Or in a story about Britain from the air, this delightful little paragraph (£):

At present, escort girls ply for trade by leaving cards in telephone boxes. Why? The only people who use a telephone box these days are people who are desperate for a wee. So why not put a photograph of yourself, a phone number and a brief list of services you offer on the roof of a warehouse in Hammersmith? One Korean jet and you’d be rushed off your feet, literally, for a month.

A bit off colour, but nothing individually big enough to spark complaints. And if there are some, it’s just a joke! The BBC will respond by saying something like:

“Jeremy’s colourful comments are always entertaining, but they are his own comments and not those of the BBC. More often than not they are said with a twinkle in his eye.”

3. ‘Go viral’.

You’ve now got an audience who like you for perpetuating mild racial stereotypes. But how do you grow this audience? Simple, really. Say something which means your column, TV show, or guest appearance is endlessly repeated over all media for a week.

The people who condemn you were never going to buy your DVDs anyway, but more people who secretly agree with you will become fans than you’d ever get if you remained a mediocre car reviewer.

So if you’re reviewing a Korean car, claim that the designer

had probably eaten a spaniel for lunch.

If you’re talking about gay rights, say that you:

demand the right not to be bummed.

Or if you’re mocking the BBC’s requirement for impartiality, why not follow up a comment that you liked the lack of traffic on a strike day by saying of public sector workers:

“I’d have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.”

If you’ve done your preparation right, you will be invulnerable to criticism. Because it’s all just a joke, right?

People who are hurt and upset by your comments just have no sense of humour. Even if what you joke about isn’t a joking matter. Even if someone citing your writings has literally shot people.

4. Laugh off the criticism, and sell more DVDs.

Very important step, this one.

See also:

• A three step guide to writing a Simon Heffer column – Alex Hern, November 8th 2011

• What do we know about Anders Behring Breivik? Very little – July 26th 2011,Dr Robert Ford

• Jeremy Clarkson: A ‘birther’ born yesterday – Dominic Browne, May 3rd 2011

• How to write a Richard Littlejohn column – Dominic Browne, March 22nd 2011

• And don’t come back – Will Straw, November 9th 2009

http://www.leftfootforward.org/2011/12/david-cameron-pathetic-condemnation-jeremy-clarkson-sick-strike-comments/ Watch Cameron’s pathetic ‘condemnation’ of Clarkson’s sick comments | Left Foot Forward

[...] Cameron failed to denounce his chum Jeremy Clarkson today, nor even actually condemn him for his sick remarks about executing trade unionists – [...]
Mrwhiteba

you lefties all proclaim freedom of speech

except when what is being said is not to your liking

i object to the public service striking because they will have to work a little longer and pay a little more.

try having a private scheme and getting a fraction of the public pension return then having to be taxed to pay for public schemes.

so no i do not support your strike robbing my tax to pay for your pensions, get off your arses and work for a living.

on another note i did not see any union activity when the odious Gordon Brown robbed the private schemes for public sector gains. or do the private sector pensions not count?

The truth be told whilst the unions political muppets the labour party were in power they had not the balls to rock the boat and lose any donations, its only when the conservatives are in and have to clean up the mess left by the repeatedly incompetent labour party the suddenly start getting vocal.

i remind you that Gordon sold our gold reserves at a stupidly low price, had he have not done this to prop up his vote this country would not be in the debt it is in today.

The “one eyed Scottish idiot” strikes again even when not in power, his fiddling while London was burning has condemned us all to austerity measures.

i do wonder if there is any mention of the ken Livingstone concentration camp incident? i would suggest then Jeremy should keep his job as ken has kept his position as labour candidate for London mayor.

goodbye all

the only way is capitalism
http://twitter.com/chris_blewitt/status/142292527213592577 chris blewitt

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
http://twitter.com/john__owen/status/142295072027840512 John Owen

RT @leftfootfwd: How to be Jeremy Clarkson http://t.co/24t7xbFt
http://twitter.com/kevingulliver/status/142302669011296256 Kevin Gulliver

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
http://twitter.com/rogermilton/status/142302735243554816 Roger Milton

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
http://twitter.com/wubeyonekenobi/status/142304924825432064 Colin Waude

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
http://twitter.com/captainyay/status/142306428512763904 Amy

Step by Step Guide to Being Jeremy Clarkson. http://t.co/PhbX11Mr Good deconstruction of how to get away with unacceptable jokes.
http://twitter.com/justjayne4/status/142306534960013313 Jayne Hornby

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
David Mullen68

What Clarkson has said probably reflects the thinking of a number of tory MPs.
http://twitter.com/wildewodehouse/status/142347775961600002 James Stewart

Now you can be Jeremy Clarkson too, with @leftfootfwd's handy step-by-step guide!: http://t.co/Amsn6nys
http://twitter.com/lostmertonian/status/142389646943453184 Paul B

In the interest of balance to my last tweet, this is an excellent article about Clarkson's approach and style… http://t.co/31UVbIxE
http://twitter.com/conorlinehan/status/142393446701858816 Conor Linehan

Step by Step Guide to Being Jeremy Clarkson. http://t.co/PhbX11Mr Good deconstruction of how to get away with unacceptable jokes.
Lion

Very witty. It seems you enjoyed that a little too much though didn’t you? Especially the Korean theme that ran through it. I certainly did, and my wife is Korean, which goes to show that us lefties do have a sense of humour. What I’m saying is that you have just pointed that Clarkson is a funny man, it’s just not easy for everyone to separate different aspects of a personality i.e. Clarkson’s undeniable wit from his undoubtedly vile politics. A lightening up of the left in terms of political correctness would do us the power of good.
Lion

It’s good to see some well-reasoned, on-topic, high brow right wing prose here. Keep it up Mr White, you’re doing a stellar job.
Tom White

‘Undeniable wit’? Er… possibly. If you are aged 10.
Lion

He is childish and rude but then so is Jeremy Paxman. Clarkson occupies the space vacated by Chris Evans and Danny Baker. Noone questioned their politics when they were out on their ‘laddish’ benders with Gazza (the wife-beater). I would also point out that jokes about eating dogs go down pretty well in Korea, where most men of Clarkson’s ilk tuck in on a regular basis. In fact, ‘sweating like a dog on a hot day’ refers to the time of year when Koreans pack restaurants to enjoy their stamina food. So the Korea jokes are valid. I’ll reiterate though, that I can’t stand him or any of the Chipping Horton fascists. Silvio Berlosconi is also apparently a very funny man, yet a fascist creep. Let’s hope they are both sweating like dogs.
http://twitter.com/martin_dickie/status/142906608291282944 Martin Dickie

How to be Jeremy Clarkson: http://t.co/NIRQm07i
http://twitter.com/alexhern/status/142942131957407744 Alex Hern

@MissEllieMae Particularly proud of this piece re: Clarkson, especially step 4. http://t.co/aa11TnBR
David Mullen68

When are you going to do an article about Trevor Kavanagh of the Sun. He comes out with some pretty inflammatory stuff about immigrants, unemployed people, unions, public sector workers,citizens of other EU countries. In short he would be a good object of ridicule.
http://twitter.com/britishbryn/status/143027567077761024 Bryn

#bestoftheweek #3: How to be Jeremy C****son:
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http://twitter.com/soupysoupysue/status/143029788678946816 Mersey Monkey

#bestoftheweek #3: How to be Jeremy C****son:
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http://twitter.com/tonyburke2010/status/143030395779293184 Tony Burke

RT @leftfootfwd: How to be Jeremy Clarkson http://t.co/FcV3Kx97
http://twitter.com/stuartfreedman/status/143030414473302017 Stuart Freedman

#bestoftheweek #3: How to be Jeremy C****son:
http://t.co/mfdlxxiz
http://twitter.com/garethbickerton/status/143030457649479680 Gareth Bickerton

RT @leftfootfwd: #bestoftheweek #3: How to be Jeremy C****son:
http://t.co/LXEqxNqh
http://twitter.com/hannahmge hannah slade

I don’t care what this superbly payed thick idiot do & say for living, I just don’t want this moron get payed with my license fee, especially I don’t even like or watch, this bigoted,bias so called BBC. I would like to sign a e- petition against the BBC license fee I wish I knew how?
http://twitter.com/deanelvisjames/status/143038446942953472 DEAN JAMES

RT @leftfootfwd: How to be Jeremy Clarkson http://t.co/Luc2K2oY – Its even easier than rock music. Safe! Let's get rich innit….XDDDDDDD
http://twitter.com/captaincrikey/status/143051855457562624 Sean PdeC

#bestoftheweek #3: How to be Jeremy C****son:
http://t.co/mfdlxxiz
http://twitter.com/lorienh/status/143314849605234688 Lorien Hill

How to be Jeremy Clarkson: http://t.co/yXn89chO
http://twitter.com/neilbsad/status/143362685621379073 Neil A

RT @leftfootfwd: How to be Jeremy Clarkson http://t.co/yauPsCpR